I should tell you.. I should tell you....

Hi...
I really don't know what to say... I feel like I should keep quiet and leave you alone and pretend to think that you're forgetting about me... but I'm trying to communicate more lately... so I guess I'll type and pretend that you might read it and understand.

I finally read your letter today... and only had mom here to comfort me.. and she did even though her advice is pretty far off what I need to hear.

It was a good letter... it was nice to hear what you were thinking... for once... I know you said that the "I'll always love you" parts no longer apply... but the rest of your 6 pages certaily do.

I've typed a couple of lines here.. but nothing seems to be sounding quite right... I have this desire to make everything all better... and I've finally decided that I have no idea how to do that.. and that I've failed miserably at it in the past... must be time to stop trying.

I do need to tell you that I was really shocked to read the mail you sent last week... after I told you everything I was feeling... it really hurt to have you seem to not understand at all... It hurt more than anything Sessa said... I expected that from him... and cried on your shoulder... and convinced myself that he wasn't worth crying over... which I've been unconvinced of now...

What I am convinced of is that I love two people.... they're so different from eachother.. but they both make me happy... having them upset hurts me like hell... and there's twice as much of a chance that they'll replace me someday... but if that was their decision... it would hurt, but would probably make my life much less confusing...

I need help... I don't know what to do.. and I know I'm going to lose both of them...

The mountain that we climbed two days ago made me think of you... I don't think I repay people for their companionship by sex... I think I try to repay them in new experiences... that's why I love so much to take people camping.. mountain climbing.. etc... I've found a new way... reading to them... This is something I learned from Sessa.... sharing ideas is wonderful... sharing experiences... its just incredible to connect to someone that way... to just see something and think.. WOW.... its better than sex... ;)

My dad just says "it'd be easier if you could find a way to just be friends with them." And I agree... its definately something I need to work on. But its so hard to go backwards to being just friends... and I don't want to throw out everyone from my past and start over... but I'm not going to make the same mistake again...

I'm starting to understand how I used to think... let me share... I've probably told you before... AI was always shy.. and usually ignored by the group of people... whoever they were.... this was how it was.. and I accepted that... the few friends I had were random people who took the time to get to know me... losing my hearing made the situation worse... though it certainly wasn't the beginning of the problem. When I got my first boyfriend... it opened up a whole new way to make friends with people for me... it was just a shock.. like.. wow.. these people, I get to spend time with them cause he does... I don't even have to know them to get invited along on stuff...

I have a very low selfimage when I'm in a group of people... but if I get to deal with one at a time.. especially those of the oposite sex who usually have the ulterior motive of physical attraction... I seem to be good at getting close to them... I actually have a lot of confidence in myself then... and it makes 'the chase' all the more enjoyable... Why they all fall in love with
me... I haven't a clue... it seems to be a side-effect though... Right now.. I wish it wasn't.

Dad needs the phone... so I guess I'll save this for now.

I just decided to post this as a journal entry... I don't much care who reads my thoughts... maybe some good will come of sharing them with the world... I know who I wrote it for... but if they truly are stepping out of my life, maybe its better for it to not show up in their Inbox unwelcomed...